Starting to Share the Secret

When I was pregnant, I was the guinea pig among my friends. I didn’t have anyone to talk to or ask the very personal questions to because no one in my close circle had done this before. I only had my mom and my mother-in-law, and although that’s helpful in some ways, it’s not like being able to talk to your best friends.

Even though I was very supported in my pregnancy I did not have a confidant to analyze every detail with.

Now, two years after my pregnancy, my best friend is pregnant. It has been so exciting to talk to her through this experience, hear her updates, and get to answer questions that I actually know the answer to. It has also allowed us to talk about my pregnancy, and a lot of things I have revealed I have heard her respond, “Wow, I didn’t know that.” I realize that not many people know what I went through with my pregnancy; partly because I didn’t talk about it and partly because no one else had been there, and didn’t know what questions to ask.

I have also discovered that there are things in life that no one cares about unless they are going through the same thing.

1) Wedding Planning. While you could spend hours discussing the pros and cons of a certain centerpiece, no one else cares about that information unless they are also a bride planning a very detailed oriented wedding. Sorry everyone people who had to endure me during my wedding planning.

2) Pregnancy. After every appointment I rushed out armed with full update information including weight gain, hemoglobin level, and a recount of what the doctor said. No one cares about this, OR since they have not been in this situation, don’t know what the heck you are talking about. It is hard to have a detailed conversation if your listener either doesn’t care what your bodily specifics are or has no idea what language you are speaking in. Even my best friend has recently conceded, “You know I never wanted to be that person that just talks about her pregnancy and the baby all the time, but it’s really hard not to because that’s all you think about!” Exactly.

Now that my best friend is pregnant, we are having conversations. I know her specifics from her appointments and we are speaking the same language. It also means she asks me the questions she couldn’t ask two years ago, and it has unexpectedly turned into mini therapy for me. I am more and more aware of how awful my pregnancy/delivery/recovery experience was for me. I am more aware of the intense emotions I  have regarding that experience that I have been repressing for the past two years. I am aware that I have not been able to fully express what an ordeal I went through, and that my mother, sister, and even my husband don’t fully know what turmoil I have from that experience and that I am still emotionally recovering from it. I am aware that I need to start talking about it.

My friend and I are going to do things differently. Our pregnancies have been extremely opposite experiences. She is planning on parenting differently than I did. I am so glad she is having a positive pregnancy experience and I am so thankful that she has let me explore my feelings about my own pregnancy. I am extremely grateful to have a sounding board and to have someone to listen. I guess the first step for me to begin my own healing process has been talking to her. I hope that I can be brave enough to find words to describe my experience and share them here. One of the reasons I started a blog was to find some new friends and a supportive community here in the blogosphere that can relate and might even want to hear about what I went through. Thank you for listening as I begin to shed some light on my secret.