The Unintentional Week Off

I inadvertently took a week off blogging.

After being plagued with a parenting dilemma last week, I have spent the entire past week pondering what to do about it.

I have read and cherished your blog comments, had long talks with my husband, sister, mom, and one of my best friends. I met with the director of my son’s school to express my concerns and I contacted a speech therapist.

I went through a “I must re-decorate and clean this house to get rid of this nervous energy” phase. That actually yielded some great results; I will have to show you some pictures!

And then I spent some time with my son. Really spent time with him.

And here is what I have concluded: Everything is FINE.

Though I may be a bit biased, I think my son is amazing. He is intelligent, sweet, thoughtful, and on a developmentally appropriate level for a three-year old. He may at times have a bit of an attitude, but that is a combination of the difficulty of age three and us working harder to control his outbursts.

I strongly cherish the comments from his teachers. I used to teach myself, and I think that a teacher’s input is highly valuable and important. But now that I am a Mommy, I also know that no one else can know my child and what is best for him as well as I do. And so I must take the teacher’s comments but put them in the context of his holistic learning, much of which includes his home life.

He is shifting from baby to boy and along with that we are going to have to adjust our parenting style. There will be many more times in the course of his life where we will have to re-negotiate our roles, and I think that this is just the first of many new parenting phases.

And so I took a week off blogging but spent a week trying to more fully understand who this little person is that I have been given the gift of parenting.

Turns out, he is just a little person, trying to figure this life out, and I am just a Mommy trying to figure it out with him.

And we are going to do just that; one step at a time.





When A Mommy Heart Breaks

Dear my sweet boy,

My mommy heart is breaking. I feel that I am failing you.

When you were a little baby, I knew I was being a good mommy to you. I was able to escape the dreaded Mommy guilt because even in the midst of my own postpartum struggle, I knew I was doing what was best for you, for us.

I allowed my world to revolve around you, and you thrived. We both thrived on breastfeeding and co-sleeping and baby led…everything. Life was on your time and I was more than happy to delight in your growth, marvel at your progress, and devote myself fully to you.

But oh my how you are growing. How amazing it is to watch your world expand as you navigate this new land of “little boy” instead of baby.

And as you have reached this stage, I, too, have reached a new one. I was ready my sweet boy, for my world to once again expand beyond you. You are still my center, but I needed to once again add in some parts of me that I had left behind since I fell in love with you.

And so this year, as you entered the tender age of 3, I re-entered roles of leadership. Mommy is the Parent Council Chair at your school. I know you don’t know what that fully means, but you do understand that it means Mommy works on the computer a lot more and has to go to meetings, and devotes time away from you.

And then Mommy auditioned for a show, and I got a lead role! I know you do not know what that means either, but you do know that Mommy goes to “hearsals” and that you have to come to church with me a lot so I can go to them. I know this means that we no longer have nights at home, but rather Mommy spends nights doing rehearsals and you spend nights in a church nursery, an environment you have never been in before.

And in the mean time, I still ask you to help me around the house and go to school Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

Is this too much for you my sweet boy?

I got an email from your teacher yesterday. She said you are having trouble listening and you say “I don’t want to” when the teachers ask you to do something.

And my mommy heart broke.

As I reflected on how busy we’ve been, I realized that you spent EVERY night last week with a babysitter. You did not have a single night at home with a Mommy or a Daddy. Daddy was working nights and Mommy was doing rehearsals and going to meetings. Did you feel lost in the midst of busy?

Please don’t think I have forgotten you sweet boy. You are at the forefront of my every thought. I am teary writing this, thinking that I have fallen short in my most important role; being your Mommy.

It is strange that at a time when I feel like I am coming back into myself I also feel like I am failing you.

Should Mommy quit this show? Is this just too much for you; for us?

There has to be a balance between your world and mine. You are, of course, the most important part of my life. But before you made me a Mommy, I was a woman who worked and held leadership roles and performed and had girl’s night outs and who sometimes even had dates with your Daddy. Is there a way I can merge all of these parts of myself?

I love you so very much, and I know that, like all things, this stage of hard is temporary. But it is oh so real.

Thankfully, today is another day, and this week is another week. And I will do better.

I love you forever and always.