When A Mommy Heart Breaks

Dear my sweet boy,

My mommy heart is breaking. I feel that I am failing you.

When you were a little baby, I knew I was being a good mommy to you. I was able to escape the dreaded Mommy guilt because even in the midst of my own postpartum struggle, I knew I was doing what was best for you, for us.

I allowed my world to revolve around you, and you thrived. We both thrived on breastfeeding and co-sleeping and baby led…everything. Life was on your time and I was more than happy to delight in your growth, marvel at your progress, and devote myself fully to you.

But oh my how you are growing. How amazing it is to watch your world expand as you navigate this new land of “little boy” instead of baby.

And as you have reached this stage, I, too, have reached a new one. I was ready my sweet boy, for my world to once again expand beyond you. You are still my center, but I needed to once again add in some parts of me that I had left behind since I fell in love with you.

And so this year, as you entered the tender age of 3, I re-entered roles of leadership. Mommy is the Parent Council Chair at your school. I know you don’t know what that fully means, but you do understand that it means Mommy works on the computer a lot more and has to go to meetings, and devotes time away from you.

And then Mommy auditioned for a show, and I got a lead role! I know you do not know what that means either, but you do know that Mommy goes to “hearsals” and that you have to come to church with me a lot so I can go to them. I know this means that we no longer have nights at home, but rather Mommy spends nights doing rehearsals and you spend nights in a church nursery, an environment you have never been in before.

And in the mean time, I still ask you to help me around the house and go to school Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

Is this too much for you my sweet boy?

I got an email from your teacher yesterday. She said you are having trouble listening and you say “I don’t want to” when the teachers ask you to do something.

And my mommy heart broke.

As I reflected on how busy we’ve been, I realized that you spent EVERY night last week with a babysitter. You did not have a single night at home with a Mommy or a Daddy. Daddy was working nights and Mommy was doing rehearsals and going to meetings. Did you feel lost in the midst of busy?

Please don’t think I have forgotten you sweet boy. You are at the forefront of my every thought. I am teary writing this, thinking that I have fallen short in my most important role; being your Mommy.

It is strange that at a time when I feel like I am coming back into myself I also feel like I am failing you.

Should Mommy quit this show? Is this just too much for you; for us?

There has to be a balance between your world and mine. You are, of course, the most important part of my life. But before you made me a Mommy, I was a woman who worked and held leadership roles and performed and had girl’s night outs and who sometimes even had dates with your Daddy. Is there a way I can merge all of these parts of myself?

I love you so very much, and I know that, like all things, this stage of hard is temporary. But it is oh so real.

Thankfully, today is another day, and this week is another week. And I will do better.

I love you forever and always.

Love,

Mommy

 

 

Comments

  1. This is a beautiful and honest sentiment. I think many of us feel this when we transition one way of the other – or even if we have another family member who needs us more for a while. It won’t help the emotional aspect of the pain, but most studies in child development say that ironically, teens are the ones who need physical presence much more than toddlers. Odd, I know.

    Be true to yourself, no matter which direction that leads to. That is the best way to be there for your son!
    Kristin @kdwald recently posted..Nightmare on Bellevue AvenueMy Profile

    • Thank you so much for your sweet comment.
      I have heard that thing about teens too! I am terrified of those teenage years!
      I know parenting is hard, but it seems so much harder when you are torn or feel unsure of yourself.
      Julia recently posted..When A Mommy Heart BreaksMy Profile