Why I Write

It’s dark here, as the light of the moon casts shadows over the bed.

Toddler breathing and cat purrs form the soundtrack for this particular scene of my life.

It’s a nightly occurrence, the glow of the moon through white cotton curtains, the steady breath of my beautiful boy, and the contented purrs of a cat beside me.

The clock ticks, warning me of the dangerous hour it is approaching and my impending duties of mommy in the morning that will be made so much harder if I don’t surrender to sleep.

But it is here, always here, that my mind becomes alive.

I remember my past, present and future as they all intertwine into a current conversation lulling me away from rest and restoration and into questionings and ponderings.

Sometimes, I revel in this time. This time of me. Sometimes, I dread it. Often, I feel alone.

One night, in this time of me, I stumbled upon a blog. I read posts by a woman who had struggled with her birth experience. For the very first time, I knew I wasn’t the only woman who felt this way.

I spent that night, and many more, pouring over her words and allowing tears to stream down my face as I motionlessly jumped up and down and silently screamed, “I am not alone.”

So I started writing. Writing thoughts more composed than just scribbles in notebooks or notes in the memo section of my phone. I started putting thoughts on paper and screen instead of just narrating them in my mind. I started to open my heart to the vulnerability and bravery that comes with hitting the publish button.

Sometimes, I write stories about my son. I try to capture memories that I want to hold on to forever. I would like for my son to read those one day. I hope they will mean as much to him as they do to me.

But mostly, I write to sort out the collisions of past, present and future that occur at my most fragile time; when I am in the midst of myself.

One day, maybe someone will read these words and they will mean something to them. Maybe one day I will understand them all myself.

And so I write for my vulnerability, my process of grief and self discovery, and my hope that one day these words resonate with someone so that they might say, “I am not alone.”

I started writing to find myself. I continue writing to find you.

Today, I link up with the lovely Galit and Nicole as they ask the question, “Who do you speak for?”

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Comments

  1. I like your writing style, it’s great. I’m glad I found your blog. :)

  2. Great post as usual Julia! I’m so glad you’re getting so much out of blogging and that your connections with other women are helping you :)

  3. This is so beautifully written, I think I’ll read it again. Truly lovely.

  4. This is absolutely gorgeous writing. I especially love that last line. ::smile::

  5. You are just a beautiful soul that needs to escape through your words. I’m so glad that you found Miranda and she helped you during that time. PPD is an evil beast that alienates you from the world. That’s the beauty of blogging. We are helping so many moms…and you my friend, are just a brilliant writer. xoxo

    • Thank you so very much. This means so much coming from someone as talented as you. I hope your healing well from surgery. I’m so honored you are here! (And Miranda is awesome!)

  6. By Word Of Mouth Musings says:

    Oh my goodness these words ….
    I started writing to find myself. I continue writing to find you …
    What a truly beautiful post, your words are both haunting of darker days and uplifting from the light you found within.
    How very lovely – thank you so much for sharing from your heart.
    We are truly blessed with the posts that have been shared!

    • Thank you so very much. I adore this link up challenge. It’s a wonderful question to ponder. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to answer it.

  7. Wow. Just, wow. You say so many wonderful and emotional things here. I just want to reach through the screen and hug you for your words.

  8. Ohmyheart, this is so very beautiful and authentic and real – exactly what I’ve learned to love about you!

    (That line – do you know the one? “I started writing to find myself. I continue writing to find you.” couldn’t possibly be more perfect!)

    I have tears! Is that odd? Love me anyway!

    Beautifully done, sweet friend!

    • Aww, I am so honored you have tears! Not that I want to make you cry, but honored that you were moved. Thank you so much for your sweet words and for such a lovely link up idea.

  9. akismet-85fd13bbe48421f209c93d1f8f703c79 says:

    This? Is beautiful. Those collisions….they just keep coming our way.

  10. I write – and blog my creations/projects – because it too, is a sense of release for me. With my husband working all the time and just me and the girls, sometimes it gets a little lonely. We try to stay busy but it gets exhausting (elated exhaustion? hehe :) ) Sharing what we do is a way for me to capture memories and share them with the world, in this whirlwind of mommyhood. Another perk of blogging that I didn’t realize when I started – all the wonderful people you meet and connect with. I had no idea the enormity of the community. I’m addicted :)

    • Yes! You have summed it up so perfectly here. I was also amazed by the blogging community when I started. I had no idea of the vastness and support that was waiting here. So glad to have found you and so many other wonderful people!

  11. You blog for such a great reason. That feeling of not being alone is one of the bright sides of blogging and I’m glad that I have found so many friends who share their stories online.

    • Thank you so much! I am amazed at the vast support of this online blogging community and am so glad to have found it.

  12. THIS is gorgeousness, honesty, raw emotion right here.
    And your words DO matter already. Believe it.

    The beauty of sharing ourselves this way is that we may never know how many people are touched, how many readers show up feeling alone and leave believing – no, KNOWING – they are understood.

    Thanks for putting your journey out there. For yourself. For friends. For strangers.
    We may take different paths, but we’re all on that road of motherhood.

    Potholes and all.

    p.s. Yay! I figured out how to comment. (Techno lame. I told you!)

    • Thank you so very much.
      I think you have captured the beauty of blogging here; “we may never know how many people are touched.”
      We will never know what our words have meant or who they have touched. But they are here; forever displayed, and that is a powerful thing.
      Yay! So glad you figured out the comment thing! Although I did adore getting email from you. :)

  13. Visiting from SITS girls! Your writing is beautiful and I can relate so much. Great blog you have!

  14. Yes! This. We are not alone. So well said.

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  1. […] May, I wrote a post that best summarizes why I write in a post titled, appropriately, Why I Write. My favorite  and still the most relevant line? “I started writing to find myself. I […]