Lost Pieces

It’s funny how it’s two and a half years later and I’m still trying to pick up pieces of myself.

I lost so many of the pieces of who I thought I was over these years. So many pieces that I thought completed the puzzle of who I am. But life is nothing if not a constant exercise in change. And so I change. I adapt. I loose pieces. I find others. I try to string together a complete image of this woman who stares at me in the mirror.

Today I found some old pieces. Pieces I thought were lost long ago like old toys hidden under the couch or receded into cracks in floor boards. Pieces that brought tears to my eyes because I remember them. It was like reuniting with an old friend.

Today I dropped my little boy off at school. When he first started school this fall, I didn’t know how to be apart from him. I waited in the parking lot for him to come home.

Since then, I have progressed. I have used my time to run errands, and tackle the grocery store and mopping. I have sat and people watched while sipping a latte. I have talked on the phone to my best friend. I have worked out. I have blogged.

But this morning, I found some parts of what used to make me. I listened to the soundtrack of Wicked The Broadway Musical. And I sang along and smiled and remembered why that used to be such a big passion of mine. I felt inspired. I found myself at the mall. I entered a grown up store with grown up clothes that would fit my now grown up figure and did not have a trace of children’s paraphernalia. I tried on shirt from the clearance rack and let my hands drape over the luxurious fabric of items that have no place in my daily life of dirt and ketchup. I tried on two shirts that actually flattered me and I smiled because I remembered that I used to look beautiful and turn heads. My now go-to outfit of yoga pants and t-shirts doesn’t do that. I splurged on a shirt that made me feel beautiful. And I cringed at the register, because I don’t remember the last time I spent so much money on myself.

And as I blared the Wicked soundtrack again on my way home, I let tears fall and thoughts form and rushed inside to find a home for them here.

My life is so different than it used to be. My reflection always surprises me when a mirror suddenly appears in my view. But there are pieces of me that are still the same. It was so nice to find some of them this morning and reawaken beauty and inspiration and indulgence within my world that has become devoted to my child’s innocence.

It was nice to find some lost pieces.

Comments

  1. It makes me happy to know you’re singing again. If only in the car to the soundtrack. And you’re still a headturner! Its funny how in finding lost pieces we find they don’t exactly fit the way they used to, maybe they’re a smaller piece. But if its in your heart its always there, the puzzle just looks a bit different. Love you!

  2. Absolutely. We are all underneath the burp ups, the chores, etc. We’re still there and it’s important to let that person out.
    So glad that you were able to find the pieces of you again.

    • Thank you! It’s so easy to become buried in baby stuff and forget that before baby, we used to have our own identities.

  3. Oh how this speaks to me. It is so hard to find some of the pieces, and yet, there are other (mothering pieces) that I wouldn’t give up for the world.

    • Yes! Being a mother is amazing and brings so many new roles to your life. It’s so hard to find a balance between your former and current self.

  4. Oh Julia, this is beautiful. Just so beautiful. As are you.

  5. I’m glad you’re finding your own identity as it exists apart from your children again! It’s hard, but doing so is awesomely good for both parties!

    • Thank you so much! It is so hard to separate the mommy parts from the woman parts isn’t it? But yes, I agree it is so important!