What A Difference a Year Makes

Today is my 31st birthday.

A year ago, I was turning 30, and ready to embrace all of the amazing things this new decade in my life would hold.

Until life had other plans, and my 30th birthday did not go as planned.

Unfortunately, this was just a preview into the way the rest of the year would go as my husband searched for a new job, we sold our house, we moved 10 hours away from Richmond and made a temporary home in a 2 bedroom apartment. None of it was easy; the job search was a disaster, our house unexpectedly sold in 3 days, leaving Richmond and my job was much harder than any of us thought it would be, and our move turned out to be a move from hell. One for the books, really.

The past year was a lot more about surviving than living, and when you are struggling just to SURVIVE, it’s hard to remember to write about living. Because trying to get through each day isn’t the same as enjoying and reflecting on each day. 

In the midst of it all I was pregnant, and I felt guilty about not ever writing about this pregnancy. But pregnancy takes a toll on you emotionally and physically in ways you can’t really describe. I didn’t write about this pregnancy because I didn’t have time to focus on it in the midst of our entire lives changing. And it’s strange to talk about pregnancy after a miscarriage because instead of a celebration it feels like a secret you have to protect. And for me, the trauma of my first pregnancy bleed so strongly into this one that I couldn’t tell where one stopped and the other began. Five years apart and still emotionally scarred, I didn’t feel like writing about the deepest fears and secrets of my motherhood, or admitting how much I hate being pregnant even though I know I lucky I am to get to carry my children.

So I dropped the blog and lost some freelance work (bad move) and let the laundry and the dishes pile up and in the midst of every single faucet of my life changing in the past year, I simply survived it. Every day.

I didn’t write during the year of my life that had the best stories. And maybe that was a mistake, but telling stories about fear and things going wrong and changing every day don’t feel like stories, that feels like complaining. It didn’t feel worth it to document months worths of complaints.

But today, I am in a much different place than I was a year ago. We sold our home. We moved to GA. I stopped working and let go of my usually stringent to-do lists. My husband started a new job. My son started a new school. We are making due with a 2 bedroom apartment. My oldest turned 5. I survived my pregnancy and my delivery and we have a beautiful one month old baby boy. And for every second that I hated my pregnancy I am loving every second of being a new mommy, and getting to be a mommy again has been indescribably healing. Though I hope to try to describe it, because it’s much easier to reflect and tell a story than it is to narrate while you are in the middle of it.

Thirty is over. One of my dear friends texted me today and said her money is on 31. Mine too, sweet friend. I’m ready to take it back. Because as much as I hated the last year of my life and as much as my life is not perfect right now, I am, in this moment, completely in love with it. All of it.

I celebrated turning 31 by taking my baby to the doctor for his one month appointment where I learned that he is already 12 pounds, 2 ounces, and in the 95th percentile! Then I took the time to put on make up and do my hair (a luxury for new mommies.) My husband and son bought me beautiful flowers and my 5 year old drew me the sweetest card. We attempted our first dinner out as a family and made it a full 45 minutes before the littles had to go home. My 31st birthday was uneventful and completely child focused and absolutely perfect.

Here’s to 31. This is going to be a good year.

 

 

Ranging Emotions

We are down to just 6 days before we make the big move from Richmond, VA to Athens, GA.

My son and I are busy crossing off our Richmond bucket list and my husband is finishing his last days of residency.

Every morning my son and I are doing activities around Richmond and seeing friends while my husband works, and every afternoon we are all working on packing up the house.

One afternoon my husband came home not talking, and I was sulking. Our son was running around with enthusiasm saying “Yay, it’s almost moving day!”

“What’s up?” I asked my quietly brooding husband. “I’m really stressed,” answered, an honest and vulnerable answer for a man who never gets stressed (or at least never admits to it.)

“And you?” he asked, already knowing my answer. My emotions have always been transparent. “I’m just really sad,” I said, and started to cry, because lately there’s nothing that doesn’t make me cry. The combination of making a big move, leaving the city and friends that I love and being 6 1/2 months pregnant all at the same time has resulted in me crying on a daily basis.

“Mommy, stop crying!” our four year old said as he continued to gallop around the living room. “This is so exciting! I can’t wait to move to GA!”

“Well,” I said, “at least one of us is happy! Daddy is stressed, Mommy is sad, and Noah is excited.”

And there we were in the midst of boxes and transitions and endings and beginnings and all feeling differently about where we were.

In that moment, as in so many moments of my life, I was incredibly thankful for the blind enthusiasm of my son for adding one more dynamic to our little family. A ray of sunshine in our modes of stressed and sad, our little boy is so excited for our new adventure. Maybe it will be ok after all.

excited boy

Home

livingroom 2

It’s midnight and I could sit awake for hours in the quiet of this dark and contemplate this house. The floors that shine under the light of the lamp illuminating where my son took his first steps and where busy plays and only night brings rest. I’ve memorized how the light shines in the living […]

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Back to the Present

Smile! We're having fun on this house hunt!

January, February, and March were lost to sickness and April was lost to stress, then May was lost to arranging our new lives. I was so terrible about blogging about all of it, but honestly all it would have been would have been post after post of complaints and questions and I’m sure no one […]

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Scavenger Hunt Gender Reveal

The first scavenger hunt clue we gave to my son in the car on the way home from school.

I can’t believe I’m already half-way through this pregnancy. With everything that has been going on in our lives, I have barely had time to focus on it. Despite the busy-ness, 20 weeks came and so did the ultrasound to see if baby was healthy and, of course, whether it is a boy or a […]

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This Too Shall Pass

Look Whoo's Going to Be A Big Brother!

Life tends to come in waves here. I sometimes find myself bored with the monotony that can occur when your job description is “Mommy,” an all encompassing word that means you do everything and seemingly nothing all at the same time. But since the fall, the calm of monotony was abruptly disrupted and has been […]

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An Old Conversation Worth Telling

Julia's Phone Pictures 021

Oh my gosh, I have been looking for this for two years. TWO YEARS! Two years ago, my son and I had this sweet conversation. And I wrote it down specifically so I could blog about it. Today, I am doing some Spring Cleaning (because it’s officially SPRING…squee!) Even the weather is cooperating. And it’s […]

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The Missing Wallet on Richmondmom

I have been a mess lately. Not in any sort of good way. In the I’m-sick-my-husband’s-out-of-town-I-don’t-even-have-clean-pants way. You would die if you saw my laundry pile. And then, I lost my wallet. Please join me at Richmondmom.com where I let you in on the behind-the-scenes of my current life and make you smile with a […]

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About Marriage

“When I was younger, I wanted to be married so badly. I wanted the companionship, the family, the love. I wanted lazy Sundays in bed and long walks. I wanted gazing into each other’s eyes and secret smiles and laughter. I wanted a movie scene. The problem is that movie scene portrayals of relationships are […]

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Redecorating with Wall Art from Minted.com

Yesterday, the weather was gorgeous. My son and I actually got to spend some time outside and take a neighborhood walk, which was such a welcome reprieve from the cold snowy winter we’ve had. And then, today, it snowed. Again. This time, starting early in the morning and it hasn’t stopped! Stuck inside again all […]

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